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August 2008 
Confusion
Posted on Aug 6th, 2008
by 
Brrasie
Brrasie
So... I'm thinking there must be something wrong with me.
This is going to sound so victimized, I hate it, but I don't really know another way to express it.
I can't make friends. And the "friends" I do have never speak to me... I have to do all the leg-work when it comes to communication, and to me that just sucks! I want to have enough value to someone that they actually WANT to call me every once in a while, not just talk to me when I call them.
My boyfriend tells me he loves my personality. That I'm a wonderful person to be around. His best friend views me as an equal and likes to spend time around me. And that's it. I hate that my boyfriend is all I have. That isn't good. That puts a lot of pressure on him. But I can't seem to get anyone else to like me! I have to try way too hard... I see pretty much everyone else in people watching making friends like it's the easiest thing in the world. I watched people in massage school make friends instantly. They all fit into each other's little circle. I am, and have always been, outside of the circles people fit into. I would give almost ANYthing to fit into a circle and be liked and valued.
So... there are a few things that happen that make me feel worthless.
Then there is this thing where I can't seem to attract friends on-line anymore. A few people I know in real life, and have come into contact with again via myspace and face book... I write to them every once in a while. And I get nothing in return. I asked my cousin what her friends name was that died last month, expressing my condolences... and I get nothing back. I complimented a friends hair cut. Nothing. I wrote to someone I haven't spoken with in some time, and I get nothing (it's been weeks). When I moved away from New Hampshire back to Michigan, a friend I had there--and that I thought I was very close to--stopped talking to me. I tried several emails... I think 4 total, spread out over a couple of months, asking her how things were going, asking her about specific things that we had talked about, things to do with her life. I didn't hear back from her for 9 weeks, so I tried to call. I left messages, I told her I was worried about her. FInally one day a few weeks after that I was on aim, and she was on. She finally replied. I asked her some questions, as by this time I was pretty upset that this person I thought liked me for who I was, and didn't judge me for leaving New Hampshire was being rather mean... she said to me, "You always think everything is about you. You're so selfish. You get upset when I don't write you back, and for what? Because I'm not paying attention to you." I was so hurt by this, because before I left we hung out at least twice a week, we had wonderful conversations... and she just blew me off in this incredibly hurtful way. When I left, she said we'd still talk and stuff. And then she just stopped talking to me. And now I'M being selfish?
Excuse me, but... there must really be something wrong with me as a person that repels people so much. There would have to be for someone to blame that kind of thing on me.
What do I have to do? What gives?
Do I not deserve better? Is there really something wrong with me? And if so, what is it?! Please tell me so I can be different. So I can be good enough for people to want to be around. Not just as a back-up friend cause no one else was available. Or as the extra adult because all of the other friends have other things to do and can't watch 5 kids with you, so you call me last cause you know I have nothing better to do.
My boyfriend is the only person aside from parents and grandparents that gives a shit about me.
Argh.
Really... what am I doing wrong? I don't know! I wish I did know. I'm so desperate to fix myself so people will want to be around me.
My whole life has been this way. I can't seem to escape it, no matter where I go.
~sigh~ I hate this. It makes me feel 8 years old.
Access: Public
Hey, I'm sorry to see you in this bad state - because it really isn't you. I think you were just very unfortunate to stumble upon people who care for nothing else but themselves.
Let them go. Don't fret about them, because they are the ones who let YOU down, not the other way around. Why do you let their rotten behavior put you down like this?
I used to be like you. Always giving in friendships, and never receiving. It made me feel incompetent, not worthwhile, to be always on the giving end and never on the receiving. As if I was not worth the trouble, right? But then I came to realize how irrational that thought was. Why was I being incompetent if others dropped the ball? They are the ones who should look in the mirror, not you. When I realized that, I instantly felt better. And that showed ;)
Never give up hope, and always keep reaching out, like you do now, here. There are people out there who are of a like mind, you just need to stumble upon them. Visit areas of interest around you, locally. You never know what contacts you might form. Join clubs, go out, reach out. And cherish what you have. A lovely boyfriend and a good friend - that's more than what some people have ;)
Hey Isabelle! That is really rough. Believe me, I understand what that's like. It's hard to keep putting yourself out there like that too when you never get anything back. Don't give up on people, though. Sometimes it just takes a while to find people that are worth the effort. It's especially difficult if you've moved around because don't have the time it sometimes takes to find and bond with friends. It's awesome that you have such a supportive boyfriend. Don't take that as a negative thing. The universe always gives us exactly what we need in every situation to make sure we will get through to the next one, and it's possible that your boyfriend is the universe's gift to you to help you figure things out. Remember that we're all here for you! :)