This is going to sound so victimized, I hate it, but I don't really know another way to express it.

I can't make friends.  And the "friends" I do have never speak to me... I have to do all the leg-work when it comes to communication, and to me that just sucks!  I want to have enough value to someone that they actually WANT to call me every once in a while, not just talk to me when I call them.

My boyfriend tells me he loves my personality.  That I'm a wonderful person to be around.  His best friend views me as an equal and likes to spend time around me.  And that's it.  I hate that my boyfriend is all I have.  That isn't good.  That puts a lot of pressure on him.  But I can't seem to get anyone else to like me!  I have to try way too hard... I see pretty much everyone else in people watching making friends like it's the easiest thing in the world.  I watched people in massage school make friends instantly.  They all fit into each other's little circle.  I am, and have always been, outside of the circles people fit into.  I would give almost ANYthing to fit into a circle and be liked and valued.

So... there are a few things that happen that make me feel worthless.

Then there is this thing where I can't seem to attract friends on-line anymore.  A few people I know in real life, and have come into contact with again via myspace and face book... I write to them every once in a while.  And I get nothing in return.  I asked my cousin what her friends name was that died last month, expressing my condolences... and I get nothing back.  I complimented a friends hair cut.  Nothing.  I wrote to someone I haven't spoken with in some time, and I get nothing (it's been weeks).  When I moved away from New Hampshire back to Michigan, a friend I had there--and that I thought I was very close to--stopped talking to me.  I tried several emails... I think 4 total, spread out over a couple of months, asking her how things were going, asking her about specific things that we had talked about, things to do with her life.  I didn't hear back from her for 9 weeks, so I tried to call.  I left messages, I told her I was worried about her.  FInally one day a few weeks after that I was on aim, and she was on.  She finally replied.  I asked her some questions, as by this time I was pretty upset that this person I thought liked me for who I was, and didn't judge me for leaving New Hampshire was being rather mean... she said to me, "You always think everything is about you.  You're so selfish.  You get upset when I don't write you back, and for what?  Because I'm not paying attention to you."  I was so hurt by this, because before I left we hung out at least twice a week, we had wonderful conversations... and she just blew me off in this incredibly hurtful way.  When I left, she said we'd still talk and stuff.  And then she just stopped talking to me.  And now I'M being selfish?  

Excuse me, but... there must really be something wrong with me as a person that repels people so much.  There would have to be for someone to blame that kind of thing on me.

What do I have to do?  What gives?

Do I not deserve better?  Is there really something wrong with me?  And if so, what is it?!  Please tell me so I can be different.  So I can be good enough for people to want to be around.  Not just as a back-up friend cause no one else was available.  Or as the extra adult because all of the other friends have other things to do and can't watch 5 kids with you, so you call me last cause you know I have nothing better to do.

My boyfriend is the only person aside from parents and grandparents that gives a shit about me.

Argh.

Really... what am I doing wrong?  I don't know!  I wish I did know.  I'm so desperate to fix myself so people will want to be around me.

My whole life has been this way.  I can't seem to escape it, no matter where I go.

~sigh~  I hate this.  It makes me feel 8 years old.

I am beginning my first meditation tomorrow, and I am looking very forward to it.  I am going to do my first meditation on my own.  It will assist me to feel out how I do it and how it feels, what I think, what I see.  Without someone teaching me.  For me that will be good.  I will try out a teacher after a month of meditating on my own I think.  :)

My goal in this is to see what perceptions may shift, and work to shift my thinking with them.  I want to be a kinder person.  I am ready to explore that path.  Up until now, I was not ready to do that.  So many ideas in my head that are negative.  I cannot find happiness with others until I find happiness with in myself.

That is my truth.

I will update this every few days or so.  :)

Thank you.

Namaste

~*~

Izzy

ps--the picture I took at Horsetooth Reservoir in Fort Collins, CO a couple of weeks ago.